Foot Ball Player

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Foot Ball Player

Biographical info
Alt. spellings and titles base ball player
the retard
Physical description
Species Human (presumably)
Skin color White
Personal information
Affiliation Troll Slaiyers
Allies Troll Slaiyers
First appearance Chapter 15, Page 13
Last appearance Chapter 27.5, Page 2
In real life
Actual name Jared Lorenzen
First appearance Sonic & friends get trolled (Something Awful) (2012)
Franchise Tails Gets Trolled

Foot Ball Player is a character appearing in Tails Gets Trolled as a member of the Troll Slaiyers.


Foot Ball Player is a large, bulky man with wide shoulders. He wears a green jersey marked with the number 22, and lighter green pants with gray cleats. He wears a grey foot ball helmet that obscures his face, leaving only his small eyes visible.


Nothing, even his actual name, is known about the Foot Ball Player's life before joining the Slaiyers. He is found by Teemo after he respawns from being killed by Knuckles shooting the small Yordle out of a canan. He then tags along with the Slaiyers, and is nicknamed "the retard" by Shadow.


The Foot Ball Player appears to be a quiet person, not speaking a word since his introduction. It is unknown if this is due to him lacking the ability to talk or if he is simply shy.


There are no (in-universe) known powers regarding the Foot Ball Player.


Foot Ball Player, alongside Lord Thunder Claw, is based off of an idea for an original character posted by Something Awful user Febreeze, who had won a contest hosted by Lazerbot in which users would have the chance to submit an original character to be featured in the comic in exchange for creating fanart of Magma Garry. Febreeze stated that his character is based on UIFL quarterback Jared Lorenzen and he was intended to be the "fat dumb football player everyone knew in High School".[1][2] However, none of these features have been shown (thus far) in the main story, as the character has not done anything of note.

Febreeze's Description

Post #1

Okay. Hey Lazerbot, since you can read the thread, here is my Original character idea:

There is a Quarterback in the UFL, basically a small alternate football league to the NFL. His name is Jared Lorenzen. He is also known as "Battleship Lorenzen", "The Pillsbury Throwboy", "The round mound of touchdown", "The hefty lefty", "Quarter(got)back", "BBQ(for Big Beautiful Quarterback)" and "He Ate Me". The joke is that he's fat, and good at throwing a football.

I want this man in your comic. Or at least a character based off Lorenzen. I don't care what you name him. He's a big dumb football player who can only talk in grunts. His power, despite being fat and strong like Hulk, is that he can throw a football really hard, like a cannon.

You can kill him in one scene or take him to the finale, I don't care. I just want to see battleship lorenzen in Tails gets Trolled.

Post #2

Wow uh damn. Lazy-B must have grand plans for this guy if he wants such details.

Okay. He's really dumb. Talks with grunts and gestures, can barely form a coherent sentence. Honestly I don't care what side he's on, but it would be pretty cool to see him crush some trolls with his fat and knock off the heads of others with football throws. So...neutrals or Slayers I guess? I pictured him as a bodyguard type, and Hulk's best friend and they high five a lot.

His powers, as mentioned, are his really powerful throwing arm. He also has a superbowl ring, he could use that to blind people or something, maybe leave imprints on people when he punches them. He's kind of like the blob. Not muscular, just huge and soft. People bounce off him. Basically the stereotypical Fat dumb football player everyone knew in High School.

That's basically it. No preference to side. Stupid, grunts a lot. Throws football hard. Either best friends with Hulk or Hulk's biggest rival. I don't care which. I leave the rest up to you. I trust your instincts, Lazerbot.